My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
