Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
