I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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