Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
