My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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