Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
