Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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