I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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