omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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