I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
