nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
