Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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