I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
