note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
