Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just found a bag of teeth...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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