Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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