Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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