Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
