The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
