I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Randomize
