my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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