is your mom at the bar?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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