there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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