I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
