I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
