Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
