Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize