i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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