I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I still have a little drunk in my system
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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