I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
