So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
