i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
