I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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