She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
