You're earring is so big in my mouth
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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