he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
then he tried to convert me to islam
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
