i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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