my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
