weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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