Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
