Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
