i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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