So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
