Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
