I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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