If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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