I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
