I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
