Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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