I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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