Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
