It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
