you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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