I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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