South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
