If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
