The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
