So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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