I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
