How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
