hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
