Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They took my balls.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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